Running Out of Time to Matter
This past week saw the death by suicide of 30-year-old Cheslie Kryst. I had never heard of her, in spite of her having made a name for herself in a number of different venues including the legal field, television, and the pageant circuit.
Kryst wrote an article for Allure magazine in March of 2021, where she shared her thoughts about turning 30. “Each time I say, ‘I’m turning 30,’ I cringe a little” because it “feels like a cold reminder that I’m running out of time to matter.”
Achievement Values
The article itself is a paean to every achievement value I grew up with: education, drive, beauty, humility, insight, commitment to helping others, self-deprecating humor, all beautifully written. The fact that she had accomplished so much in just 29 years was amazing.
But she felt she hadn’t done enough.
I picked up an undercurrent of despair in her essay at the impossibility of overcoming the ageism that seems so pervasive in our society. Ageism, sexism, class, race — all factors that contribute to how we value ourselves and how others see us.
Enough
I remember my own feelings of not being smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough or having enough power and influence to change people’s minds in my teens and twenties. Feelings that continue to echo as I approach 70.
When did we lose sight of the value that age and experience bring to our lives?
I have no way of knowing what internal distress brought Ms. Kryst to the point of ending her life, but I am deeply saddened that this was the consequence. That we will conduct her post mortem in the public sphere also saddens me, since it will be conjecture driven by what seems to be an addiction to sensationalism and voyeurism.
This, of course, is not new. Rather than join in that conjecture, I see an opportunity to take a stand against ageism and voyeurism in all its forms.
What was intolerable to me at 30 has become insight and wisdom at 68. The values and visions I espoused in my 30s have become integral parts of who I am now.
Skills Gained
I have gained skills in holding my tongue, reflecting, and pausing before sharing my experience and suggestions. I take less umbrage at what is said about me and pay more attention to who is saying it and what their needs might be.
I can say that I am wiser for having made it through challenging life experiences, including loss of loved ones. Those experiences and the wisdom gained, however, do not guarantee that I won’t face more experiences or losses. It just gives me a leg up on how I manage myself and my circumstances.
I wish Ms. Kryst had given herself that chance to see that she wasn’t running out of time, because she did matter.
